Monday, August 11, 2008

Tanya Writes About X-rated Fortune Cookies (adult content here)

Well, the grandbaby was here all weekend. The photos have been taken. Marley has had her last meal...a double cheeseburger. And while she's perky and bendy and as adorable as always, tomorrow is the day she'll cross the Rainbow Bridge and find her "big sister" Tawny waiting to play. The ugly thing that came to live with us again is a time-bomb inside her, waiting to hemorrhage and end her life in a most unpleasant way. So this is humane, better for her.

Dreadful for me. This is one of the most agonizing decisions I've ever had to make.

Like a true hero, my hero is bearing the burden of taking her in tomorrow, walking the green mile with her. And I, well, I am getting a massage. I can't think of anything else that will unwind the knots in my neck. Just as I can't think of anything to mend my breaking heart.

But I digress. I promised a blog on X-rated Fortune Cookies!

In San Francisco for the RWA convention, my dear friend, roommate, and critique partner Charlene Sands and I took an afternoon away from the convening hordes to shop in Chinatown. We found adorable souvenirs for the fam...and came across traditional Chinese-food boxes claiming to contain a dozen X-rated fortune cookies. Now, what are two self-respecting romance authors supposed to do?

Buy them for their husbands, of course. (We debated on getting a box for our sons...mine is a young husband with a baby boy, hers in a nearly-engaged relationship, but we decided that might be WEIRD for our boys, getting something X-rated from their mommies...)

So the night I got home, after being apart from my hero for four days...I figured the magic cookie would be, well, X-rated, leading to, well. You know. Here's what I got:

"Men who sleep with canaries get twerpies"


(It didn't matter. We still got to the, you know.)

It gets better. And just so that you know, I got shorted one whole fortune. One cookie was totally empty. Hmmmm...maybe that was the truly X-rated one.

So I decided to open all the rest, keep the chips of broken cookie in a ZipLoc bag just in case I/we get a sweet tooth some time.

(Or not. They aren't that bad but might go out in next week's trash.)

1. Man who eat many beans can make own bubble bath.

(Hmmmmmmm. Never quite equated passing gas with sex...)

2. Sex drive begins with puberty and ends with marriage.
(Totally disagree here....although not about the puberty part.)

3. Man with ugly wife takes her everywhere so he doesn't have to kiss her good-bye.
(Dude, you picked her.)

4. Safe sex for politician is no reporters.
(Or: no interns for Bill Clinton, and no video makers for John Edwards. Although this fortune definitely fits L.A.'s Antonio Villaragosa.)

5. Sex is like jello --there is always room for more.

6. Three words guaranteed to destroy a man's ego: "IS IT IN?"
(Not a guy and never had to hear 'em, but I kinda have to agree, having never had to say 'em.)

7. Difference between "ooh" and "aah" is about three inches.
(That male ego!)

8. Bald man has hole in pocket so he can scratch his head now and then.
(Bald where? LOL)

9. Man who spend time in nudist colony find first day is hardest.
(Yeah, it took me a while with this one, too. Duh.)

10. A pecker is like payday: Neither one comes often enough.
(Okay, not one for crude slang, I'm blushing a little.)

So there you have it. One of my few experiences with X-rated materials. Now, help me out: what sage wisdom (or randy advice) do you think should have been in the empty cookie?

Keep it clean, dudes and dudettes. This is a family blog!

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